You may have wondered why I stopped updating my weight loss. Well, that's because I have fallen off the wagon, down the hill and rolled across the street. I've only gained about five pounds back, which may not seem like a lot but when you've got 50+ to lose, it's devastating.
Before I went on my work trip, I saw my SAI little at Target. I smiled at her but before I could even say hello she gave me this look like "Wow, have you let yourself go" and quickly hurried into another aisle with who she was with. I didn't say anything to Alan, but I was really really upset. While we weren't super close in college or anything, that really hurt my feelings. That she was embarrassed to know me.
But the truth is, I have let myself go since getting married and especially since having kids. I remember saying before Ewan was born that I wasn't going to be one of those women who started having babies and stayed ginormous, yet I have. Not only that, but I barely even make an effort to put myself together anymore. I've never been one of those girls who can't leave the house without being absolutely perfect, but, I at least made some effort. Lately I couldn't care less what I leave the house in. Someone posted in one of the Facebook groups I'm in that they feel like people look at her husband and think "Why is he with her?" That about sums up how I feel.
|Holiday party in grad school...much skinnier times|
I'm tired of those looks. The "Oh wow, you've let yourself go so much." or the "Holy cow you've gained so much weight!" looks. I get them all the time from people, especially from certain members of Alan's family and most definitely from those that haven't seen me in awhile. They may think they're sly and that I don't notice, but I do believe me. I've just gotten really good over the years at ignoring them.
A lot of my friends have had babies around the same time as me and they've all lost the baby weight and kept it off. Even the ones who gained 60 pounds. It's incredibly frustrating to be the one who is still gigantic. If you've been around awhile, you may remember that I hurt my back doing yard work back in March. While it's a little better, it still is excruciating most days and I have very limited movement still. I have been going to the chiropractor but with little results and I have a doctor's appointment for it...but the earliest I could get in is late October. So, while I am trying to do something about my back, I have been using it as a crutch as to why I can't exercise. I can still walk, and I will start there.
So enough. It
ends begins today.